Morning Wood

Aaah yeeeah! Early morning wood, a hotty laying next to me, and nowhere to go. I love Saturday mornings!

Hopefully the dog won't wake her up with all that licking noise on the sheets. She deserves her beauty sleep.

Rabbit, it's whats for dinner.

Hey vegetarians! Get off my case. Why is it you can go on and on about the yummy Mandarin orange, won ton Asian salad you had at lunch, and how healthy it makes you feel, but you carry on and judge me when I tell you about the tasty rabbit and noodles I had for dinner last night. Rabbit is lean and low in fat, and the noodles were whole wheat. I felt pretty fucking healthy too, so you can just suck it! Next time, I may just order the guinea pig pot pie and not lose a second of sleep about it. Though, it does give me the winds something terrible.

Cocksucker?

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Dear Lord Baby Jesus!

Do you think your Jesus is taking a break right now? Or, is he just testing your faith? My vote is on the break. Consider this, it could be you faithful followers who are at fault that this recession is prolonged, the world is full of war, sick fuckers are storming into Belgian day cares and stabbing little kids, and a hack-job ass-monkey like Kid Rock who can sell 2 million albums titled, Rock n Roll Jesus (how else does JC let him get away with some royalty-free bullshit like that unless he isn't paying attention).

He doesn't need to hurry and come off break, because all you saps keep telling him that it's alright he is taking his time and thanking him for the valuable life lessons. He could care less if you learn anything! How does it benefit him? A few more of you humbled souls in the heavens will just equal a bigger ass ache for him, because it means now instead of you asking him for shit, and him having that nice buffer of being millions of miles away in his spaceship, you will be right there and all up in his grill!

Always having to thank the Lord for making you humble means he just got done fucking you over once again! I would much rather be thanking him for making me proud, vain and superior to others. Don't you think the whole reverse-psychology method of praying has grown tired to him? He probably gets sick of all the ass-kissing. Just be straight forward and ask him over and over for what you really want... and don't give me that "money can't buy you happiness" bullshit! Sooner or later, he will cave, give you what you want and then say unto you, "now shut the fuck up!"

Go forward with faith my friends and see what that gets you.

Sandra Lee Nipslip!!!

QVC's Unicorn Collectibles rule! Since they can't have it on 24/7 like I want, I occasionally turn the channel to the Food Network to see if this will be my lucky day when Sandra Lee finally has a nipslip and the editors don't catch it. Or, maybe they do catch it, but don't tell Sandra, because they know it will lead to better ratings, and what are the chances that she is watching her own show that closely and will ask them to edit her nips out. Nipples and semi-homemade food appeal to everyone's appetite, whether you are a man or woman.

BTW... no nips today, but next time it is going to happen for me.

Sandra wants me. She's a 40-something cougar who has an appetite for 36-37 yr. old lanky men, with no fame whatsoever, live in North Carolina and have an extensive porcelain unicorn collection.

Masturbating Polar Bears

I would never a hug polar bear, or shake it's paw, because you know when they jack off that they have no way of finding all their jiz. You know that they are probably to the point where they don't even really even try to wipe it all off, the unsanitary beasts. They are so use to not being able to find it all when they blow their wad, that they probably think, why bother? My fur is white, nobody will notice, right? I'm sure I got most of it, plus, I will probably take a swim later anyway.

As if we wouldn't notice the crust on their fur and put 2 and 2 together. Not to mention some jiz is off-white or even beige in color, which makes it so obvious! Fuck you polar bears! I know the crust isn't from the seal blubber you just consumed, because blubber is oily and it doesn't stick!

Of course, female polar bears are alright, but until I clearly see their vag among all that white bush, I'm not extending my hand of friendship.